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Counsel for Couples
Temptation and Rationalization
Sometimes people come into my office because they are battling with temptation in some
area. Lately, it has occurred to me that a big part of such people's problem is that they
are actually "tempting God" (Matthew 4:7). Climbing a mountain without reasonable
preparation is one way we might tempt God. Viewing pornographic sites on the Internet is
our weaknesses, tempt God to withdraw His protection.
You who are struggling in your marriage might tempt God by bailing out when that is not
His will for you. In such cases, "God wants me to be happy" or "God will forgive me" has
been used to rationalize divorce. Rather, like Christ did, "submit (yourself)…to God.
Resist the devil, and he will flee from you" (James 4:7).
Therefore, let us not insist that others submit. Let us just practice it ourselves. Since
submission, which Christ modeled when He went to the cross, is so central to the gospel,
we may do it ourselves, to God and one another, and proclaim it to the world as part of
the good news. Amen? Amen!
War and Peace
America has been in the battlefield recently. We do not live in a safe world. In fact, as
reports of the atrocities of the Saddam Hussein’s government have come to light, we see
that great evil exists in this world of ours. The end of the Cold War with its Soviet iron
curtain, like the end of World War II with its Nazi Holocaust, did not bring permanent peace
on earth, nor did it rid us of evil.
Robert Frost said, "I have it in me so much nearer home to scare myself with my own
desert places." I find the literal "home front" the best place for us to win the war, win the
peace, and overcome evil.
The biggest victory for America today would be the "turn(ing) the hearts of the fathers to
their children" (Malachi 4:6) and, also, the hearts of husbands and wives to one another.
As a poet said, "Let it begin with me."
Symbols
They are used for advertising, on sports teams, and in poetry. They are also employed in
marriage relationships. Certain things are symbolically important to your mate. For
example, a man might be complaining that his wife does not return his advances of
affection. But symbolically he might convey much more love if he pitched in when she
needed help at something or perhaps just sat around and listened to her concerning
some struggle with which she is dealing. On the other hand, a woman frustrated with her
partner being somewhat of an absent husband and father might win his interest back by
relating to his symbol sets. Perhaps it is symbolically important to him for her to
participate in certain activities with him outside the home. Symbolic actions do matter and
do make a difference.
The Couch Potato
"So he/she won't change. He/she is so mean with you and the kids. And you say he/she
parks in front of the 'tube' from sunrise to sunset on days off. Well, you deserve better.
No one should put up with that kind of abuse. You should take better care of yourself."
I suppose if I spoke the above, I would be some clients' dream. Finger pointing and the
"blame game" is a favorite hobby in many family relationships. How much more difficult it
is for the natural mind to "esteem others better than himself' (Philippians 2:3) and to lay
down his life for others as Christ did (Philippians 2:8). That is why for cleansing, healing,
and growth, it is vital for us to put on the mind of Christ (Philippians 2:5). Then, obedience
and kindness becomes a joy (Ephesians 6:6) and is actually easy (Matthew 11:30).
Pre-Marital Counseling
What are some good questions to ask a couple before they get married?
Here are a few:
1) What are your expectations of each other?
2) How many children do you want?
3) Should the wife work outside the home, and how much?
4) How do you want to handle the finances?
5) How well have the two of you done in resolving problems together?—
What are some examples?
6) What do you think about using credit and having debt?
7) What are your goals for spiritual life and practice in the home?
If an engaged couple tackles all the above questions and others relevant to them
successfully, they will have a much better chance at a good marriage than one that is
rooted in romance alone. Romance is good. But so are practical problem solving skills,
especially in seeking God's will as a couple together.
One Man, One Woman is Enough
Someone wrote me recently, asking the question, does the Bible endorse polygamy, that
is, marriage to more than one spouse? Do not people have a predilection to have more
than one partner? Is there not a biological basis for falling in and out of love. Well,
actually, the Bible overwhelmingly promotes MONOgamy (one spouse). In fact, it is a
chief analogy of the MONOtheistic (one God) emphasis in the scriptures, that which made
Judaism originally distinct (Deuteronomy 6:4).
God is certainly singular in regards to the woman, and the man for that matter when He
says in Genesis 2:24, “A man shall be joined to his wife.” Every translation affirms that
notion. Even the New Testament recognizes it when Jesus says, “A man shall leave his
father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the TWO (not three or more) shall
become one flesh” (Matthew 19:5). Paul affirms Jesus’ words by stating, “A man shall
leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife (singular), and the TWO shall
become one flesh” (Ephesians 5:31).
God, indeed, made man to have a “predilection” for clinging to a single “helper.” Fallen
man has twisted that predilection, making it short term. The “biological basis” for falling in
and out of love is bogus, a function of man’s sin nature, and just as absurd as a biological
basis for worshiping multiple gods such as wine, wealth, women, and power. Incidentally, I
speak from personal experience. We have been married for over 30 years, and I love my
wife with more passion and joy than when we were mere “children” as newlyweds.
God Forgives Divorce
During all my years in Marriage and Family Counseling practice, I have never
recommended a couple to divorce. It is clear; God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16). Jesus
portrayed divorce in Matthew 19:8 as a hardening of the heart. For many, divorce has
been the easy, “broad road” to destruction in our generation, but for some, a kept lifetime
commitment to one spouse has been the tougher “narrow road” to life. That said, God
will forgive a man or woman who has repented from killing his/her marriage through
unfaithfulness. Additionally, the innocent party who has been divorced without scriptural
warrant will be held guiltless. He was, is, and forever will be the God of grace.
Temptation and Rationalization
Sometimes people come into my office because they are battling with temptation in some
area. Lately, it has occurred to me that a big part of such people's problem is that they
are actually "tempting God" (Matthew 4:7). Climbing a mountain without reasonable
preparation is one way we might tempt God. Viewing pornographic sites on the Internet is
our weaknesses, tempt God to withdraw His protection.
You who are struggling in your marriage might tempt God by bailing out when that is not
His will for you. In such cases, "God wants me to be happy" or "God will forgive me" has
been used to rationalize divorce. Rather, like Christ did, "submit (yourself)…to God.
Resist the devil, and he will flee from you" (James 4:7).
Therefore, let us not insist that others submit. Let us just practice it ourselves. Since
submission, which Christ modeled when He went to the cross, is so central to the gospel,
we may do it ourselves, to God and one another, and proclaim it to the world as part of
the good news. Amen? Amen!
War and Peace
America has been in the battlefield recently. We do not live in a safe world. In fact, as
reports of the atrocities of the Saddam Hussein’s government have come to light, we see
that great evil exists in this world of ours. The end of the Cold War with its Soviet iron
curtain, like the end of World War II with its Nazi Holocaust, did not bring permanent peace
on earth, nor did it rid us of evil.
Robert Frost said, "I have it in me so much nearer home to scare myself with my own
desert places." I find the literal "home front" the best place for us to win the war, win the
peace, and overcome evil.
The biggest victory for America today would be the "turn(ing) the hearts of the fathers to
their children" (Malachi 4:6) and, also, the hearts of husbands and wives to one another.
As a poet said, "Let it begin with me."
Symbols
They are used for advertising, on sports teams, and in poetry. They are also employed in
marriage relationships. Certain things are symbolically important to your mate. For
example, a man might be complaining that his wife does not return his advances of
affection. But symbolically he might convey much more love if he pitched in when she
needed help at something or perhaps just sat around and listened to her concerning
some struggle with which she is dealing. On the other hand, a woman frustrated with her
partner being somewhat of an absent husband and father might win his interest back by
relating to his symbol sets. Perhaps it is symbolically important to him for her to
participate in certain activities with him outside the home. Symbolic actions do matter and
do make a difference.
The Couch Potato
"So he/she won't change. He/she is so mean with you and the kids. And you say he/she
parks in front of the 'tube' from sunrise to sunset on days off. Well, you deserve better.
No one should put up with that kind of abuse. You should take better care of yourself."
I suppose if I spoke the above, I would be some clients' dream. Finger pointing and the
"blame game" is a favorite hobby in many family relationships. How much more difficult it
is for the natural mind to "esteem others better than himself' (Philippians 2:3) and to lay
down his life for others as Christ did (Philippians 2:8). That is why for cleansing, healing,
and growth, it is vital for us to put on the mind of Christ (Philippians 2:5). Then, obedience
and kindness becomes a joy (Ephesians 6:6) and is actually easy (Matthew 11:30).
Pre-Marital Counseling
What are some good questions to ask a couple before they get married?
Here are a few:
1) What are your expectations of each other?
2) How many children do you want?
3) Should the wife work outside the home, and how much?
4) How do you want to handle the finances?
5) How well have the two of you done in resolving problems together?—
What are some examples?
6) What do you think about using credit and having debt?
7) What are your goals for spiritual life and practice in the home?
If an engaged couple tackles all the above questions and others relevant to them
successfully, they will have a much better chance at a good marriage than one that is
rooted in romance alone. Romance is good. But so are practical problem solving skills,
especially in seeking God's will as a couple together.
One Man, One Woman is Enough
Someone wrote me recently, asking the question, does the Bible endorse polygamy, that
is, marriage to more than one spouse? Do not people have a predilection to have more
than one partner? Is there not a biological basis for falling in and out of love. Well,
actually, the Bible overwhelmingly promotes MONOgamy (one spouse). In fact, it is a
chief analogy of the MONOtheistic (one God) emphasis in the scriptures, that which made
Judaism originally distinct (Deuteronomy 6:4).
God is certainly singular in regards to the woman, and the man for that matter when He
says in Genesis 2:24, “A man shall be joined to his wife.” Every translation affirms that
notion. Even the New Testament recognizes it when Jesus says, “A man shall leave his
father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the TWO (not three or more) shall
become one flesh” (Matthew 19:5). Paul affirms Jesus’ words by stating, “A man shall
leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife (singular), and the TWO shall
become one flesh” (Ephesians 5:31).
God, indeed, made man to have a “predilection” for clinging to a single “helper.” Fallen
man has twisted that predilection, making it short term. The “biological basis” for falling in
and out of love is bogus, a function of man’s sin nature, and just as absurd as a biological
basis for worshiping multiple gods such as wine, wealth, women, and power. Incidentally, I
speak from personal experience. We have been married for over 30 years, and I love my
wife with more passion and joy than when we were mere “children” as newlyweds.
God Forgives Divorce
During all my years in Marriage and Family Counseling practice, I have never
recommended a couple to divorce. It is clear; God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16). Jesus
portrayed divorce in Matthew 19:8 as a hardening of the heart. For many, divorce has
been the easy, “broad road” to destruction in our generation, but for some, a kept lifetime
commitment to one spouse has been the tougher “narrow road” to life. That said, God
will forgive a man or woman who has repented from killing his/her marriage through
unfaithfulness. Additionally, the innocent party who has been divorced without scriptural
warrant will be held guiltless. He was, is, and forever will be the God of grace.