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Counsel for Life
Receiving Counseling is Not a Sign of Weakness
My favorite counseling Bible verse is Proverbs 1:5, "A wise man will hear and increase
learning." Some think pursuing counseling is a sign of weakness. Ironically, the
strong silent type, particularly one who is so “self-made” that he does not think he
needs to listen to anyone, betrays a true sign of personal weakness. In order for a
client to benefit from counseling, he and the counselor must both be open to instruction
from the Lord.
Submission: A Calling for Everyone
In our marriage & family class at church, we are presently studying the topic of
submission. It's one hot word. Submission is the position, not only for women, but for
all Christians to take. Believers are called to submit "to one another in the fear of God"
(Ephesians 5:21). The term itself suggests the servant attitude that we are to imitate
from Christ who came not "to be served, but to serve" (Mark 10:45). In fact, greatness
in God's kingdom is measured in terms of service & humility (Matthew 23:11-12).
Turn the Other Cheek
Turn the other cheek? How difficult to impossible that command from Jesus seems to
be. On a national level, does that mean we don't defend our country? On a community
level, does that mean we let crime continue unchecked? On a personal level, does that
mean we let someone take advantage of or abuse us?
My understanding of the intent of Christ and the above questions leads to the answer
of an unqualified, "No!" to all of the above. Then what does it mean? In the most
practical sense, “Turn the other cheek” means that when a fellow worker, a church
member, a child, a parent, or a spouse annoys or even abuses you, you do not retaliate.
In other words, you do not react, or become "reactionary." You may still deal with the
problem, seek justice, or correct the person, but not in a "knee-jerk" manner. Instead,
you overcome evil with good (Romans 12:21).
Jerk Therapy
"I'm the problem; it's me!" That's really hard to say, isn't it? I love the interplay
between Han Solo and his "friend" Lando in Star Wars. They were creatures of the
same stripe, both whining, "It's not my fault!"
It's hard to own up. It's so much easier to run away and hide, to make ourselves look
good, or to blame another, much like the original man did. That's one reason I
developed a technique that I call "Jerk Therapy" with people who reflexively make
excuses for themselves. I have found when I admit, "I'm a jerk!" after I have blown
even part of an interchange, I am liberated. I am free. I am no longer a target. I no
longer offend the other like I did. And best of all, I become a candidate for the grace of
God to flow to me, and through me.
Beware Hot Head or Cold Heart
Hurt and anger are inevitable. How you engage them in your response is the critical
factor between being constructive and destructive in your relationships. Do you have a
hot head when he/she criticizes or irritates you?—or a cold heart? Robert Frost
hypothesized that perhaps the "world will end in fire," that is, in the passions of fiery
hate and ill chosen, harsh words, but that "ice...would suffice" also, that is, in the
withdrawal of hearts from one another.
A better balance in preserving a relationship is to deal with conflict with a cool head
and a warm heart. It works, it's much less expensive, and it wins friends—like your
husband, your wife, your son, your daughter, and others. It's your choice, in the
middle of battle. Use your most effective weapons.
The Power of Choice
What factors make us what we are? Some emphasize heredity. Our health,
intelligence, and relationships are certainly influenced by genetics. Some stress
environment. Certainly our family upbringing and early socialization experiences also
affect us. Still others note spiritual intervention in our lives. God's word, Spirit, and
people can have tremendous impact on our lives, to the point that the spiritual
influence "trumps" hereditary and environmental influences. However, in the end,
what truly makes us what we have become are the decisions we have made in our
lives. Like the Israelites of old, we continuously have life and death laid before us
(Deuteronomy 30:19). We are not victims of chance or history, but we determine our
condition by choice, by what or whom we select to trust, day by decisive day.
Beware Post-Modernism
"You only care about yourself." Some of us have learned that "I" statements are better
than accusatory "You" statements when in conflict. "I feel lonely when you don't
communicate," for example, seems less threatening" than “You’re a rotten
communicator.” A problem may develop, however, even with so-called safe "I feel"
proclamations. Being wrapped up in our own feelings tends to promote a "feeling
philosophy" with its attendant self-centered and/or victim mentality. We might start to
lean toward the popular philosophy of our day, Post-modernism, which magnifies the
subjective and the personal to the nth degree. "I hear you say. .. " and addressing the
legitimate needs of the other party in a conflict works much better, as does, say,
humility and forgiveness put to use readily so that no root of bitterness may emerge.
Thank You, God
I was asked recently by a friend dealing with a stressful circumstance, how are you and
your family doing? It would be easy to respond “fine” but not mean it or maybe to
complain about something like gas prices. But actually my family and I are doing
rather well. That does not mean everything is going the way I want it to go. I am still
learning to accept adversity and pressure as welcome opportunities to grow in my faith,
rather than letting relational, financial, and physical setbacks dump the whole apple
cart over. A major debilitating problem in America today is, not, so much, war, not
taxes, not poverty, but the rampant victim mentality. We forget as a nation to say,
“Thank You,” to God. If truth be known, if we all got what we really deserved, because
of our sin and rebellion against God, we would all be burning in the everlasting
flames. So I am grateful that His mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-
23). I need them. Don’t we all? Having said the above, I let my friend know that I
was praying for God’s will concerning his situation.
The Heavenly Treasure of Contentment
3 treasures in heaven that overcome anxiety are contentment, a clear conscience, and
unity. With contentment, I no longer fear what man may do to me since I know that
God will take care of me. With contentment, the market may crash and the war may
continue, but God’s purposes for me will not change nor falter. With contentment,
those close to me may hurt or disappoint me, but I still will give thanks to the Lord for
His goodness to me in the land of the living. Contentment does not depend on my
marital, parental, economic, physical, or social status, but my communion with the
Prince of Peace. It’s like the monk accused of fathering a child and required to raise
him saying, “Is that so?” and then years later when found to be innocent repeating, “Is
that so?” Contentment is content, no matter what happens.
The Heavenly Treasure of a Clear Conscience
3 treasures in heaven that overcome anxiety are contentment, a clear conscience,
and unity. With a clear conscience, I no longer fear what man may discover about
me since I know that God has my back. With a clear conscience, I can be accused of
any crime, but God still sees me as clean. With a clear conscience, I may lose those
closest to me because of a stand I take, but I still can enjoy the fellowship of the Lord in
the midst of my suffering. A clear conscience does not depend on a favorable
political survey, fame, or business success. With a clear conscience, I have nothing
to hide or defend. It's like the Lord Chancellor of England declaring at his execution in
1535, "I die the king's loyal servant, but God's first." A clear conscience remains
clear, even in the midst of twisted lies and corruption.
The Heavenly Treasure of Unity
3 treasures in heaven that overcome anxiety are contentment, a clear conscience, and
unity. With unity, I no longer fear being left alone or in pain since God is always
with me. With unity, I do not strive to get my own way only, but look out for the
interests of others as well. With unity, I may face a difficult decision in my marriage,
but I do not hassle it, because, as in The Family Man, when the wife was asked to
sacrifice what was dear to her for what her husband needed, she said, “I choose us.”
Unity “is like precious oil poured on the head (Ps 133:2 NIV) to make the face of your
spouse and yours to shine (Ps 104:15 NIV), applying even and especially when there
has been recent strife. Unity reflects the relationship of the Father and the Son (Jn 17:
21-23), preparing our hearts for the lifestyle of heaven.
Receiving Counseling is Not a Sign of Weakness
My favorite counseling Bible verse is Proverbs 1:5, "A wise man will hear and increase
learning." Some think pursuing counseling is a sign of weakness. Ironically, the
strong silent type, particularly one who is so “self-made” that he does not think he
needs to listen to anyone, betrays a true sign of personal weakness. In order for a
client to benefit from counseling, he and the counselor must both be open to instruction
from the Lord.
Submission: A Calling for Everyone
In our marriage & family class at church, we are presently studying the topic of
submission. It's one hot word. Submission is the position, not only for women, but for
all Christians to take. Believers are called to submit "to one another in the fear of God"
(Ephesians 5:21). The term itself suggests the servant attitude that we are to imitate
from Christ who came not "to be served, but to serve" (Mark 10:45). In fact, greatness
in God's kingdom is measured in terms of service & humility (Matthew 23:11-12).
Turn the Other Cheek
Turn the other cheek? How difficult to impossible that command from Jesus seems to
be. On a national level, does that mean we don't defend our country? On a community
level, does that mean we let crime continue unchecked? On a personal level, does that
mean we let someone take advantage of or abuse us?
My understanding of the intent of Christ and the above questions leads to the answer
of an unqualified, "No!" to all of the above. Then what does it mean? In the most
practical sense, “Turn the other cheek” means that when a fellow worker, a church
member, a child, a parent, or a spouse annoys or even abuses you, you do not retaliate.
In other words, you do not react, or become "reactionary." You may still deal with the
problem, seek justice, or correct the person, but not in a "knee-jerk" manner. Instead,
you overcome evil with good (Romans 12:21).
Jerk Therapy
"I'm the problem; it's me!" That's really hard to say, isn't it? I love the interplay
between Han Solo and his "friend" Lando in Star Wars. They were creatures of the
same stripe, both whining, "It's not my fault!"
It's hard to own up. It's so much easier to run away and hide, to make ourselves look
good, or to blame another, much like the original man did. That's one reason I
developed a technique that I call "Jerk Therapy" with people who reflexively make
excuses for themselves. I have found when I admit, "I'm a jerk!" after I have blown
even part of an interchange, I am liberated. I am free. I am no longer a target. I no
longer offend the other like I did. And best of all, I become a candidate for the grace of
God to flow to me, and through me.
Beware Hot Head or Cold Heart
Hurt and anger are inevitable. How you engage them in your response is the critical
factor between being constructive and destructive in your relationships. Do you have a
hot head when he/she criticizes or irritates you?—or a cold heart? Robert Frost
hypothesized that perhaps the "world will end in fire," that is, in the passions of fiery
hate and ill chosen, harsh words, but that "ice...would suffice" also, that is, in the
withdrawal of hearts from one another.
A better balance in preserving a relationship is to deal with conflict with a cool head
and a warm heart. It works, it's much less expensive, and it wins friends—like your
husband, your wife, your son, your daughter, and others. It's your choice, in the
middle of battle. Use your most effective weapons.
The Power of Choice
What factors make us what we are? Some emphasize heredity. Our health,
intelligence, and relationships are certainly influenced by genetics. Some stress
environment. Certainly our family upbringing and early socialization experiences also
affect us. Still others note spiritual intervention in our lives. God's word, Spirit, and
people can have tremendous impact on our lives, to the point that the spiritual
influence "trumps" hereditary and environmental influences. However, in the end,
what truly makes us what we have become are the decisions we have made in our
lives. Like the Israelites of old, we continuously have life and death laid before us
(Deuteronomy 30:19). We are not victims of chance or history, but we determine our
condition by choice, by what or whom we select to trust, day by decisive day.
Beware Post-Modernism
"You only care about yourself." Some of us have learned that "I" statements are better
than accusatory "You" statements when in conflict. "I feel lonely when you don't
communicate," for example, seems less threatening" than “You’re a rotten
communicator.” A problem may develop, however, even with so-called safe "I feel"
proclamations. Being wrapped up in our own feelings tends to promote a "feeling
philosophy" with its attendant self-centered and/or victim mentality. We might start to
lean toward the popular philosophy of our day, Post-modernism, which magnifies the
subjective and the personal to the nth degree. "I hear you say. .. " and addressing the
legitimate needs of the other party in a conflict works much better, as does, say,
humility and forgiveness put to use readily so that no root of bitterness may emerge.
Thank You, God
I was asked recently by a friend dealing with a stressful circumstance, how are you and
your family doing? It would be easy to respond “fine” but not mean it or maybe to
complain about something like gas prices. But actually my family and I are doing
rather well. That does not mean everything is going the way I want it to go. I am still
learning to accept adversity and pressure as welcome opportunities to grow in my faith,
rather than letting relational, financial, and physical setbacks dump the whole apple
cart over. A major debilitating problem in America today is, not, so much, war, not
taxes, not poverty, but the rampant victim mentality. We forget as a nation to say,
“Thank You,” to God. If truth be known, if we all got what we really deserved, because
of our sin and rebellion against God, we would all be burning in the everlasting
flames. So I am grateful that His mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-
23). I need them. Don’t we all? Having said the above, I let my friend know that I
was praying for God’s will concerning his situation.
The Heavenly Treasure of Contentment
3 treasures in heaven that overcome anxiety are contentment, a clear conscience, and
unity. With contentment, I no longer fear what man may do to me since I know that
God will take care of me. With contentment, the market may crash and the war may
continue, but God’s purposes for me will not change nor falter. With contentment,
those close to me may hurt or disappoint me, but I still will give thanks to the Lord for
His goodness to me in the land of the living. Contentment does not depend on my
marital, parental, economic, physical, or social status, but my communion with the
Prince of Peace. It’s like the monk accused of fathering a child and required to raise
him saying, “Is that so?” and then years later when found to be innocent repeating, “Is
that so?” Contentment is content, no matter what happens.
The Heavenly Treasure of a Clear Conscience
3 treasures in heaven that overcome anxiety are contentment, a clear conscience,
and unity. With a clear conscience, I no longer fear what man may discover about
me since I know that God has my back. With a clear conscience, I can be accused of
any crime, but God still sees me as clean. With a clear conscience, I may lose those
closest to me because of a stand I take, but I still can enjoy the fellowship of the Lord in
the midst of my suffering. A clear conscience does not depend on a favorable
political survey, fame, or business success. With a clear conscience, I have nothing
to hide or defend. It's like the Lord Chancellor of England declaring at his execution in
1535, "I die the king's loyal servant, but God's first." A clear conscience remains
clear, even in the midst of twisted lies and corruption.
The Heavenly Treasure of Unity
3 treasures in heaven that overcome anxiety are contentment, a clear conscience, and
unity. With unity, I no longer fear being left alone or in pain since God is always
with me. With unity, I do not strive to get my own way only, but look out for the
interests of others as well. With unity, I may face a difficult decision in my marriage,
but I do not hassle it, because, as in The Family Man, when the wife was asked to
sacrifice what was dear to her for what her husband needed, she said, “I choose us.”
Unity “is like precious oil poured on the head (Ps 133:2 NIV) to make the face of your
spouse and yours to shine (Ps 104:15 NIV), applying even and especially when there
has been recent strife. Unity reflects the relationship of the Father and the Son (Jn 17:
21-23), preparing our hearts for the lifestyle of heaven.